I’m sure that most of you will remember the case of the Catholic priest, who displayed a screen full of gay porn when he plugged a memory stick into a laptop whilst giving a presentation in a primary school in County Tyrone. Those present, mainly parents, said that sixteen indecent images of men appeared at the outset of the Powerpoint presentation. The police investigated but as the images were not illegal, no charges were brought.
Now that the investigations by the police and the church have been concluded, Father Martin McVeigh has issued a statement giving an explanation that is almost as plausible as the virgin birth saga. In a statement published in the church bulletin he said that he had been so shocked at what had happened and “in my concern to ensure that the images would never be shown again, I destroyed [the memory stick] later that evening”.
Oh dear! There went any chance of catching the actual culprit! How awful for the priest that his moment of personal madness should result in him frustrating the very inquiry that would have exonerated him of any hanky-panky er …. wrongdoing. The explanation, however, does not end there.
Father McVeigh again declared his innocence and said that the incident “had caused much anxiety and distress”. He continued “I want to assure you that I was not responsible for the presence of the offending images and in this respect I ask you to accept my innocence.” Hmm …
Cardinal Brady, for the diocese said that there had been a thorough investigation into the computers used by Father McVeigh. “These have been forensically examined by an independent technical expert and no inappropriate imagery has been found. However, an additional laptop, which was located in the sacristy, was stolen in the period following the 26th March meeting with parents at the school”. Oh no! So the laptop was stolen too! O tempora, o mores! (Oh the times, oh the morals!)
Poor Father McVeigh, what a run of bad luck. The laptop being stolen and the USB stick having been destroyed, there’s no way now that they will catch the culprit.
p.s. The priest’s excuses rather remind me of Sir Norman Fry, the character from Little Britain, a politician dogged by gay sex scandals, whose catchphrase is: “As far as I’m concerned, that is the end of the matter. Thank you.” He too has some absurd excuses for his mishaps, delivered in a futile attempt to make his escapades sound wholly innocent and justifiable, using phrases such as “on entering the room, my clothes accidentally fell off” or “I followed the gentlemen into the toilet cubicle to discuss foreign policy” and “I tripped and fell and a part of me accidentally entered him”. He does this to cover up his apparent homosexual tendencies, since all of his statements refer to encounters with other men. I am not suggesting for one moment that Father McVeigh is gay; no, I am sure there is a quite innocent explanation … somewhere here.